Closure: The Suff Awards 2004

Interesting Thought Of The Day: If money cannot buy you happiness, how come a happy meal costs $3.95? – Aizat

Suff: Finally, it has come to an end. I have paid tribute to all my friends. Some may just be nominees. Some may win multiple awards. Some were not even mentioned. But know this: All of you have special places in my heart, except Aizat, who has a special place up my ass. God I should stop saying vague, slightly homosexual stuff.

Moving on, here’s a rerun of the winners of this year’s Suff Awards.

Amylia won the Best Lyrics Award for telling me to go play with my angklung. And that has nothing to do with sturdy, hollow bamboo cylinders. Close, though.

Syah Fidzuan, my dear fellow 24th July baby, won the You Stupid Pervert Award for being well, a stupid pervert. The fella wanked into my cowboy hat… in public! That’s the stupid part – it’s unhygienic to wank into a hat. Heard of tissue paper? And the perverted aspect’s very obvious. It was a cowboy hat…

Mus shot himself in the foot, saying he’s a walking fashion statement, kickstarting an entire tsunami of insults about his fashion sense. Still, it got him an Own Goal Award, even beating Jamie’s declaration of Liverpool’s association to geological articles (Jamie: Liverpool rocks ah!).

The Ey Nigga, Ey! Award went to my best friend, Nazir, showing that 8 years (we’re coming into our 9th one as it is) of friendship can still bring fresh surprises. Fresh surprises like, him actually deserving to win an award. Hahahahahahahahhaha. Okay kidding there homie.

New Yorker and American-born Chinese Alvin won the Fire! Fire! Award, getting past the likes of Nas to win the award. Good thing for our Yankee it wasn’t the Noisy Bugger! Noisy Bugger! Award.

Th Netbuster Award went to Geri. It was a close fight btween Geri, dance extraordinaire, and HotGirl18, gender-confusion extraordinaire, but Geri got it in the end due to sheer unquestionable femininity.

He would never dream of spanking me (then again with him, you never know) but Aizat won the Ooh Spank Me, Teach! Award. If Aizat were ever to spank me, he’d do it with his staple dumbass expression, which got him The Poker Face Award, along with a string of insults.

Halim won the Mature Momma Award, though some doubt his maturity and some doubt that he’s a momma. I, however, think maturity has different definitions with different people, like sex. If you’re a pornstar, you see sex as the ultimate fusion of business with pleasure. If you’re a Chinese Communist Party leader, you see it as a population control headache. If you’re an acne-ravaged teenager, you probably see it involving all your grandaunts and the milkman, you sick, sick pervert. Same thing with maturity, then.

The only foreign-language-named award, the Nam Dlo Gnitsugsid A Award went to my dear friend, Crystle. Finally, Charmaine won the Fire Extinguisher Award.

I congratulate all the winners, and the inductees into my Inner and Outer Inner Circle. Remember, you guys can claim a treat from me. And better make it soon, ‘cos my wallet’s thicker than usual now, and I’m entering National Servic soon. I thank you all for being a fantastic audience and here to close the show, ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause to the Smashing Pumpkins with their smash hit from the mid 1990s, Tonight, Tonight.

Tonight, Tonight – The Smashing Pumpkins

Time is nevr time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth

And our lives are forever changed

We will never be the same

The more you change the less you feel

Believe believe in me believe

That life can change that you’re not stuck in vain

We’re not the same we’re different tonight

Tonight so bright tonight

And you know you’re never sure

But you’re sure you could be right

If you held yourself up to the light

And the embers never fade in your city by the lake

The place where you were born

Believe believe in me believe

In the resolute urgency of now

And if you believe there’s not a tonight

Tonight so bright tonight

We’ll crucify the incinsere tonight

We’ll make things right we’ll feel it all tonight

We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight

The indescribable moments of your life tonight

The impossible is possible tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you

Tonight tonight

Tonight

(V) The Suff Awards 2004

Marilyn Manson: It’s been a good awards huh? It’s like taking drugs. Not that I’m saying you kids should take drugs. I take drugs, but well, I Don’t Like The Drugs But The Drugs Like Me…

(guitars, drums kick in)

I Don’t Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)

Norm life baby “We’re white and oh so hetero and our sex is missionary.”

Norm life baby “We’re quitters and we’re sober our confessions will be televised.”

You and I are underdosed and we’re ready to fall

Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all

I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me

I don’t like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs

Norm life baby “Our god is white and unforgiving we’re piss tested and we’re praying.”

Norm life baby “I’m just a sample of a soul made to look just like a human being.”

Norm life baby “We’re rehabbed and we’re ready for our 15 minutes of shame.”

Norm life baby “We’re talkshown and we’re pointing just like christians at a suicide.”

You and I are underdosed and we’re ready to fall

Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all

I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me

I don’t like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs

There’s a hole in our soul that we fill with dope and we’re feeling fine

Marilyn Manson: Thank you everybody, thank you! Now, Samad and Diane are taking a break so I’ll be your new fuckin’ host. Here to present the next awards is somebody who like me, needs to go to church more often. Everybody, here’s renowned arsonist, Talib Ali Wahibikarno…

Talib: Greetings from this little Indonesian man. The organizers here are crazy irony-addicts, cos they got me here to present the Fire Extinguisher Award. Irony’s like crack to them; they’d get high just thinking about how low their lives are. Moving on, the Fire Extinguisher Award goes to the person who best extinguishes the flames of anger and negativity that burn within the heart of Suff. Here are the nominees…

Nominee #1

Yus. Cat-lover with a heart of gold.

Nominee #2

Halim. When the two of us start talking bout our shared interests, all bad stuff go down the drain.

Nominee #3

Charmaine. Late nights have never been as fun and peaceful with this lady around.

Nominee #4

Cheryl Hong. Like Al Green sang, ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…

Talib: And the winner is… Charmaine! Charmaine, ladies and gentlemen.

(refer to tagboard)

Marilyn Manson: Thank you, Talib. May you continue to burn buildings with unrequited aplomb. And, congratulations to Charmaine. Do write your thank-you speech in Suff’s blog if you have the time. Isn’t Suff one lazy motherfucker? Alright people guess what? We’re going to present the next award, and it’s the last one. Sure, Diane or Samad said we have 4 more, but trust me, this award is worth 3 awards. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to present to you the Inner Sanctum Awards! This goes out to the 20 people who hold significant places in Suff’s heart, for this year. And the winners are….

Inner Sanctum Winners

Mus

Nazir

Iskandar

Aizat

Nas

Halim

Sylvester

Alvin

Cheryl Tan

Charmaine

Lydia

Caleb Cheow

Baba

Jonathan Tan

Amylia

Ronald Yeo

Jamie Pang

Darryl Lee (Salad Diet Darryl)

Raphael

Irwan Iskandar

New Inductees Into Outer Inner Sanctum

Bryan Ng

Hanis

Eugene

Marilyn Manson: Congratulations to all the winners. We’re gonna have to leave you soon, but let’s have Suff up on stage again to give a final wrap-up… Suff, the stage is yours…

Lost

I wrote this song myself about 2 minutes ago…

I never wanted to lose you

And I wish I could have you in my arms again

But you’re gone now and I feel this pain

I want to see you, but I can’t

We’ve faded away like a dying Sun

I tried to be everything to you

I tried, I tried

You wanted something new

I never wanted to lose you

But maybe baby it was never meant to be

You reached out and lit up the darkness in me

Sometimes when you do that I hurt

And when I reach back I get dirt

I tried then, I try now

I tried, I tried

And I want you back somehow

I never wanted to lose you

Or the memory of you in my hands

I just wish I could talk and you’ll understand

I just want you near, my dear,

My long-lost toy lightsabre

(IV) The Suff Awards 2004

Samad: Thank you Oasis for that breathtaking performance. Now, back to the awards.

Diane: Samad, let me ask you something. How old are you?

Samad: Mental age or real age?

Diane: Oh come on Samad, we all know your mental age is 2. I meant real age.

Samad: 21.

Diane: And when you think of 21, what comes to your mind?

Samad: I don’t know, your IQ? The legal ability to watch My Teacher, My Lover?

Diane: I was thinking Blackjack or Poker.

Samad: But we already presented an award for black people.

Diane: That’s why we’re now inviting Suff’s Favourite Poker Face to present the Poker Face Award. Everybody, Rowan Atkinson!

Rowan: Good day, Singapore. The Poker Face Award awards the person with the best well, Poker Face in Suff’s opinion. Don’t know what a poker face is? The kind of face that you just look at and you’d just start laughing already. Even when they’re talking about the state of global politics, you’d laugh at these people. Here are the nominees.

Nominee #1

Nazir. Who can’t laugh at that rogue-behind-goody-two-shoes-front face?

Nominee #2

Irwan Iskandar and Edward. These two just have to be put in as one nominee. Those who know them would understand.

Nominee #3

My sweet homie, Cheryl Tan. Bloody closet minah, that woman.

Nominee #4

Aizat. When asked about Aizat’s face, most of my friends would say, “You just feel like smacking that face ah.” I’d say, “You’d just feel like pointing at that face and then throwing your head back in laughter. Then you’d smack the face.”

Rowan: I bet it’s scary for most of you to hear Mr. Bean talk, but here’s something more scary…. Winning his second award of the night is… Aizat!

Aizat: As usual lah me. Okay this time, I’d like to dedicate this award to my tennis homies in SAJC. I hope you’re all surviving without your talented, skillful, charming captain. Ok the girls at least. This is also for Samad and Ali and Ali’s postman, Sarah. Other than that, thank you and tomorrow ah.

Diane: Thank you Aizat.

Samad: Yes, thank you. Speaking of ages, Diane, what’s your real age anyways?

Diane: 20.

Samad: Wow! That’s a quarter of what your face tells me.

Diane: What!? What are you getting at here? Are we presenting an award to the ugliest person in Suff’s World?

Samad: I wish we did, so you can at least win something. Whatever it is, we’re Gonna Hear From Barbra Streisand!

Diane: Ah… the only woman I know who wears her bra below her stomach..

Samad: …….Shut up, bitch. Everybody Miss Barbra Streisand!

Barbra Streisand: Hello everybody! Now, I may appear like I’m 17 –

Guy from crowd: Hey everybody look! Flying pig!

Barbra Streisand: But don’t let that fool you. Mentally, I have the wisdom of the ages.

Guy from crowd: Look at the moon! It’s blue!

Barbra Streisand: Oh shut up. Now, I’m here to present the Mature Momma Award, which well, pays tribute to the most mature person in Suff’s World. Here are the nominees..

Nominee #1

Iskandar. One-sixth of the SJI Mats. Which makes it all the more respectable that he’s even a nominee.

Nominee #2

Raphael. One-sixth of the 03S77 guys. Which makes it all the more respectable that he’s even a nominee.

Nominee #3

Charmaine. May seem like a crazy-RGS-girl-with-active-external-social-life but perhaps meeting all those new people gave her interesting perspectives on life.

Nominee #4

Halim. Maturity = Giving advice to less mature people, right? In that way, Halim is a big-ass nominee for this award.

Barbra Streisand: And the Mature Momma goes to… Halim! Ladies and gentlemen, Halim…

Halim: All I can say is… I put the mat in mature. Also, before I leave, I wanna say to everybody: have fun… not too much fun. If you have to, use protection. Thank you everybody!

Samad: Thank you Halim and Miss Streisand. Diane, guess what? We only have 5 more awards to present!

Diane: Thank god. My tolerance sure got a work-out standing here next to you.

Samad: Har har. Eat my shorts, bitch.

Diane: In the words of Aizat, tomorrow ah.

Samad: Whatever, Diane. You know your momma’s so dumb, she went to Hooters for owls.

Diane: That’s terrible Samad.

Samad: Yeah? How about… Your daddy’s so gay he can’t tell if shit’s dropping from his frontside, or his backside!

Diane: Oooh that was sick, Samad. You are a pervert!

Samad: That reminds me of the next award we’re gonna present. What do you get when you turn a disgusting old man around?

Diane: A disgusting old man with a headache?

Samad: No you get nam dlo gnitsugsid a, which is Chiwawababean for ‘Woman Talk To – Nice’.

Diane: Here to present the Nam Dlo Gnitsugsid A Awards –

Samad: – That’s pronounced Numb Dee-low Ge-Nit-Soog-Seed Ah –

Diane: Is Chiwawabab Head Shaman, Saur Saych Footlong.

Saur: I not talk to woman many, but they are many good. Mother always say ‘Biscuit when soaked, savages the birds become in running’. Me not have any idea what mother was meaning. Here the nominees are for the Nam Dlo Gnitsugsid A Award…

Nominee #1

Fadz. RGS prefect, 2004 batch… A woman can’t get any more interesting than this.

Nominee #2

Charmaine. RGS woman, 2004 batch, lazes around in bed a lot. A woman can’t get any more interesting than this.

Nominee #3

Crystle. Wants to take me, a Muslim, out drinking. Pole-danced with me before. A woman can’t get any more interesting than this.

Nominee #4

Nazir. Has a penis. A woman can’t get anymore interesting than this.

Saur: Winner is the…. Crystle! Crystle here speech make not to is her. Back so Samad Diane and to.

Samad: Uh, if you didn’t understand what Saur said at the last part. It’s ‘Crystle is not here to make her speech. So back to Samad and Diane’.

Diane: Poor guy. Must be stressful for him to learn English so fast. And it must be stressful for our organizers to present awards at such a fast rate. Nonetheless, Congratulations Crystle.

Samad: Oh well, we only have 4 left now to present, but before we do, let’s head for one final commercial break.

(III) The Suff Awards 2004

Samad: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to The Suff Awards 2004. Here to present to you the Netbuster Awards is Marilyn Manson!

Marilyn Manson: Hello everybody. You know it’s funny how they call it Netbusters when almost everybody here, the bastards of organizers scurrying around backstage included, don’t want people busting them while they’re on the net cos they’re looking through stuff that’ll make mommy very angry with them. Or very pleased, depending on whether they’re black or not. Oh dear I just made a racist statement. Anyway, here are the nominees for the Netbuster Awards, paying tribute to the person who makes Suff’s virtual life a more enjoyable experience.

Nominee #1

Crystle. I hardly see this woman in real life anymore but hey, talking to her online beats not talking to her at all.

Nominee #2

Nas. It’s simply a joy to chat with Nas online; you don’t get to see his face. Muahahahahahahahha….

Nominee #3

Geri. Ah, email buddy sweet email buddy.. Now here’s the first woman I know who watches Captain Planet. That IS impressive…

Nominee #4

HotGirl18. Sure, she’s really a guy, but HotGirl18 taught me the kinkiest cybersex tricks around man. I’m talking bout smearing chocolate around your ears kinky! Like, whoa!

Marilyn Manson: And the winner is…. No, it is not HotGirl18. But it is… Geri! Geri’s not available to make a thank-you speech so I shall hand you over to Samad and Diane. Before that, congratulations to you, Geri.

Samad: Thank you, Mr. Manson. Hey, do you all know that Marilyn Manson’s real name is Brian Warner? And that he removed a portion of his rib-cage so that he could perform auto-fellatio?

Diane: Such interesting and insightful pieces of information could win you two awards, Samad: Best Actor and the Ooh Spank Me, Teach! Awards, which goes to the most teacher-like personality in Suff’s life. And since those kinds of people are in heavy supply, we look for the one who has taught Suff very important lessons this year.

Samad: Well, the person who was supposed to present this award could not be contacted –

Diane: Frank Sinatra must be a very busy man…

Samad: So we’re presenting these awards ourselves.

Diane: Here are the nominees…

Nominee #1

Miss D’Costa. She may be my Chemistry teacher back in SJI, but she’s taught me a lot more beyond covalent bonds and electrostatic attraction.

Nominee #2

Aizat. With Aizat, not only do I learn to tolerate lunatics, but he’s taught me how to channel my innate abilities and creativity.

Nominee #3

Halim. Three words: Out, make and tips.

Nominee #4

Yus, for showing me the gentler side of life.

Samad: And the winner of the Ooh Spank Me, Teach! award is…

Diane: Aizat!

Aizat: Tomorrow ah.

Samad: Thank you, Zat. Your speech was as substantial as your IQ.

Aizat: Eh my problem ah if my speech is short or not.

Suff: Exactly. What’s wrong Samad? Don’t want to be reminded of your penis?

Samad: My penis can score higher marks in the A Levels than you.

Suff: If it can actually reach the paper from its seat.

Diane: Well anyway, what’s an award show without a few of its distinguished guests putting up a performance showcasing their talent?

Samad: I don’t know what?

Diane: That was a rhetoric you idiot.

Samad: Really? When was the first toric?

Diane: Erase that memory from your mind, ladies and gentlemen, as we bring to you a band bigger than Jesus, as they self-proclaimed, Oasis!



Noel: Hello again Singapore!

Liam: This one’s another one of our songs that Suff likes. It’s also one that heavily applies to the geezer. Everybody, here’s I Hope, I Think, I Know.

Noel: This is also to all the gay people who’ve been crying into their panties cos they haven’t won gay rights.

I Hope I Think I Know – Oasis

You’re trying hard to put me in my place

And that is why I’ve gotta keep running

The future is mine and it’s no disgrace

Cos in the end the past means nothing

You tell me I’m free then you tie me down

And from my chains I think it’s a pity

What did it cost you to wear my crown

You dont like me why don’t you admit it

D’you feel a little down today?

Bet you ain’t got much to say?

But your gonna miss me when I’m not there

You know I dont care, You know I dont care

As we beg and steal and borrow

Life is hit and miss and this

I Hope, I Think, I Know

And if I hear the names you call

If I stumble catch me when I fall

Cos baby after all, You’ll never forget my name

Liam: We’ll be right back after these messages everybody!

Now Testify!

Quote of the day: Employment is nothing if you do not make your wealth in kindness. Eat that, Hallmark bitches.

I want to introduce my readership to two people.

First up, Jonathan Tan. National Junior College soccer captain, my classmate in upper secondary in St. Joseph’s Institution and right-back for our glorious Josephians-and-a-few-others football team, TLFC. A close homie, Jon is one of the few people I can freely and intellectually discuss porn with.

Next, I would like to introduce all of you to Geraldine Lee. This girl can dance, and is smarter than Singaporeans who couldn’t make it to RJC, which is a LOT of Singaporeans. And don’t give me the shit bout ‘they work hard and have no life’. Cos this woman is a terrific cocktail of flair, life and brains.

These two have nothing much in common except well, they’re Chinese. But I have one thing to say to the both of them:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Okay those two had their ego boost and now it’s my turn. I got my testimonial from school, and since they don’t put in my less attractive points in there, I’m putting up the shit here.

My Testimonial edited by Ms Tan Wee Bee and Ms Helen Goh

Suffian was a student of SAJC from 2003 to 2004 where he pursued a course in the Science faculty.

He has a fun-loving spirit and was well-liked by his friends (what do you mean was?), who found him to have a good listening ear whenever they faced problems. He had (had?) an active social life and was well-known for his outgoing personality. Together with his classmates, Suffian served the community through the cleaning of one-room flats, inhabited by the old and lonely.

Suffian was always very keen when it came to giving his perspectives on issues being debated on. He is open-minded and is never afraid to articulate his opinions in front of others. Well-read and knowledgeable, he could easily take part in class discussions.

With his athletic build and explosive running ability (hahahahahahahaha!!!), he joined Rugby and Track and Field. His pace and speed (which is basically the same thing) made him a useful asset to the team and he took part in the National ‘A’ Division Track and Field Championships in July 2004. His influence spread to the team and he constantly encouraged his team-mates and instilled them with a winning mentality, which is essential to any sport or game. Suffian was also a member of the Malay Language Society where he started the first Sepak Takraw competition. As the Loyfatt House Captain, his entertaining speeches made him a favourite with everyone who listened to him (“…Finding Nemo is a story about uh, fish…”). He loved working with people and was closely associated with the House Council. A good stage performer, he produced and acted in the Teacher’s Day concert in 2003 and was equally at home with comedy, dances or raps. He was also the Energy/IT Representative for the class and had dutifully fulfilled his responsibilities.

Suffian would be an asset to any organization that could tap into his people-oriented skills.

Not bad eh? Notice though, that they did not include anything academic. Fer shizzle ma nizzle! Aiite peace out.

(II) The Suff Awards 2004

Diane: Here to present the Ey Nigga, Ey! Awards are two people with the same calling name. Give it up everybody for Nas The SJI Mat and Nas The Rap Artiste!

Nas 1: Wassup Singapore!! Nas in the house sharing one mic with my man Nas!

Nas 2: Ah okay… Whatever ah, stupid bastard.

Nas 1: Oh yo man, what’s all that about nigga?

Nas 2: Firstly I am not a nigger. Secondly, the only good thing about you is that you have a nice name. And thirdly, I feel like smacking you.

Nas 1: Fer shizzle ma nizzle. Now, the Ey Nigga, Ey! Award pays tribute to the coolest, most respected dark-skinned person in Suff’s World.

Nas 2: If I was black I would win this ah, but I’m not so here are those who by fluke, may win the award…

Nominee #1

Mohd. Nazir. Suff’s best friend for 8 years. But who has been a crazy monkeyboy with a weird ponytail obsession.

Nominee #2

Crystle. 4 words: Mua, ha, ha and ha.

Nominee #3

Sharmadas. Suff’s MC bruvva. MC being masters of ceremonies you jackasses. Haven’t talked to him in a looong time…

Nominee #4

Shahul. From the PJC circle. First Indian fella I’ve ever seen doin’ his shit in a basketball court.

Nas 2: And the winner, who I will smack after the show is…

Nas 1: Nazir!

Nazir: Thank you, thank you everybody! This goes out to short ponytails, and the 17 Convention. Thank you to Suff for giving me this award, the SJI Mats for being there for me and most importantly, my Mommy and Dad for giving me their constant love and support. 17 power everybody!

Diane: Thank you Nazir and the two Nas.

Samad: Diane, who do you go to when you realise your house catches fire?

Diane: My maker.

Samad: Ah I wish… But the answer I’m looking for is firemen.

Diane: …………..Oh.

Samad: Firemen take out fire but for the sake of irony, we’re getting a Fireman to present the Fire! Fire! Award. Everybody, give it up for Fireman Frank Marlinista Demargo II!



Fireman Frank: Hello everybody! Now we may be just having fun calling it Fire! Fire! since it’s an award show, but should you all see a real fire, what should you do?

Nas: Throw you in it ah!

Nazir: Remain calm, head to the nearest phone and call 995!

Fireman Frank: Correct!

Nazir: Thank you! When I grow up, I wanna be just like Fireman Frank!

Fireman Frank: Eat my penis, kid. Now, the Fire! Fire! Award goes to the most fiery – in a good way – person in Suff’s World. It goes to the person with the most zest for life, a desire to make things happen and change the world for the better. Let’s see the nominees.

Nominee #1

Cheryl, fellow house captain. Feisty little chilli padi.

Nominee #2

Alvin Liong Ju Jun, my eternal companion down the road of teenagehood and beyond, and lucky schoolmate of the Olsen Twins at NYU (That was flippin gay, ainnit Yank? Sorry homie)

Nominee #3

Mus, for his desire to change the corporate world with the introduction of The Wall.

Nominee #4

Nas. Another feisty little chilli padi. May change the world by sending a record number of people to hospitals.

Fireman Frank: Before I announce the winner, remember kids, don’t play with fire. Whoever said Award Shows aren’t educational? Anyways, the winner for the Fire! Fire! Award is…

Nas: I know thanks. It’s okay no need to clap. Thank you thank you.

Fireman Frank: Alvin!

Nas: Ah thanks ah…

Alvin: Chill Nas, in my heart as long as you’re friends with Suff, you’re on fire. Not literally. Now, I may be Chinese with an American accent but winning this award shows that people may make fun of the way you say ‘exactly’; make fun of your accent and all that, but you have the ability to change the world as you deem fit. Peace out.

Diane: Thank you, Alvin. Our cameramans –

Samad: Cameramen, Diane.

Diane: No we have more than one… – they’re getting tired so we’ll be right back after this commercial break.

Complete Idiot’s Guide To Discreet Wanking

Introduction

Wanking – to spank the monkey, to polish one’s trophy, to do a Hand Solo on one’s lightsabre, to extract soya bean milk, to ding the dong – we all know HOW to do it, but most of us don’t really know when or where to do it. How many of us have been tending to our penises when in comes mom or dad, catching us red-headed/handed as we scan the glazed pages of FHM or Playboy or surfed through the Shangri-Las of internet porno? How many of us even handled that situation properly?

Any of you tried going, “Hey, mom/dad, it’s normal! Everybody else does it!” and received a lecture about morality instead?

Then this is the perfect guide for you!

The 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking

Okay, that girl on TV was hot as hell, or you just spied on your 83-year-old neighbour walking around in her lingerie. Or maybe you just had thoughts of sex in that perverted little brain of yours. Need some instant relief? Well, before you whip out your eternal Significant Other, think of this: What if you get caught? Can you handle the consequences? What if you don’t get caught, but you stain the entire place with your semen? Your mom KNOWS the smell of semen, trust me, so the ‘Oh it’s just gel/milk/diet pepsi’ crock won’t work when your mom asks you bout the stains.

Well, think no more my friends, for it’s time for me to tell you the 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking:

1) Watch. I don’t mean your mom, you sick fuck. I mean watch out for possible ways of getting caught. Are the curtains drawn? Are the doors locked? Will people passing by hear Asia Carrera moaning? Locate these problems, and fix them, and you’re a quarter of your way there.

2) Wait. Preferably until nobody’s at home. Pragmatically, just wait until anybody who needs to enter your room/toilet to do or get stuff have done so. Make sure everybody’s taken a shower, your daddy has already sniffed your underwear, pesky little room-invading siblings are asleep or have been bashed up and all that shit.

3) Wutang Clan. Whether you’re beating to their beats or to their videos, nothing beats the Wutang Clan in providing Wank Material. Except straight-out porn, which gets boring. And women in porno moaning loud enough to wake Tupac are more likely to get you caught than Inspectah Deck going ‘I puts the needle to the groove….’. Sure you think he’s talking bout spinning records, but read closely and think again. Still, it’s more parent-friendly than moaning, despite being shit gramatically and holding slight wanking references.

And after all that…

4) Wank!

Ok, everything’s set. You’ve minimized the chances of getting caught. The music vid for Ain’t Nuthin Ta Fuck Wit (subtle irony there, sial) by Wutang Clan’s playing on your media player. Lubricant? Well, there’s hand lotion, there’s this intricate mixture of soap and water, there’s KY Jelly. If you’re perverted as fuck, try chilli sauce. So you whip out your member, and you start giving it a spitshine. But as you do so, do not forget the 4 Ss of Wanking:

1) Sanitation. Don’t wank with yesterday’s mouldy chcicken soup for lubricant man. You want orgasms, not organisms on your dick.

2) Slow. If you don’t want premature ejaculation while you have sex, don’t get premature ejaculations while you wank. This is all practice, fellas. Take it slow… Enjoy Redman’s thick, rhythmic ghetto swirl, contemplate about the lives of the girls in the videos, wonder how they came up with a chink-ass name like Wutang. Wutang Clan have had over 10 years of music, videos and music videos. There’s still a lot to wank over.

3) Steady. Ok, it’s coming but don’t shake it everywhere like its a polaroid picture. You’re gonna leave stains to catch Anwar Ibrahim. And we wouldn’t want to impregnate the house pests now would we? You definitely won’t want to discuss child support with a cockroach. So have lots of tissue paper to shoot into, or aim up so your semen’ll fall back on you. Then wipe the stuff up with tissue paper.

And when all that’s set…

4) Shoot!!!!

After that, all you have to do is hit the shower and have a nice, sumptious post-wank meal. I recommend pancake with maple syrup. If you’re more perverted than most, you can wash-up and eat after you’ve spread your semen all over your face. Whatever it is, do wash-up. You can wank to the dirtiest shit porno actors/actresses can sink to but for the sake of the people who interact with you on a daily basis, practice some hygiene, please.

Now, what if you get caught? Well, then things can go two ways. One, you may get buttfucked and receive lectures about morality. You’re most likely Catholic or Muslim. Or, you can try to dig yourself out of the situation by saying one of these, whichever applies to your predicament:

“Ooh hey mom. I was checking for bumps, in case I have penile cancer.”

“Hey dad. (Alluring smile)”

“Hey mom look, I can make a fountain!”

“I think I bruised my penis while playing soccer just now.”

“Hey mom! This? Oh it’s just some white cream I put on my penis so that uh, it won’t uh, fall off. Like yours did.”

You can come up with your own. Just use your creativity.

There’s nothing to discreet wanking, really. Just use your brains and know your parents’ viewpoint of it, and you can twist your explanations so that it’ll turn out to be something they’d buy. All that aside, it’s just you, your penis, your left hand (right hand to click on the mouse), wads of tissue paper and pure, masturbational bliss.

So happy wanking, and happy not-getting caught. Peace out.

(I)The Suff Awards 2004

Which one of the Justice League (cartoon) are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It’s not my fault, I couldn’t ever love you more

Samad: When you hear his name, you think of Scooby Doo, and when you hear her name, you think of Scooby Doo’s anus. Everybody, here to present you the award for Best Lyrics are Shaggy and Macy Gray!

Macy Gray: What’s up Singapore!

Shaggy: Yo yo yo! (makes it look terribly chink and lame huh) Shaggy in tha house with my woman Macy Gray.

Macy Gray: Now, in Best Lyrics we don’t mean like “I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble”

Shaggy: Or like, “She even caught me on camera – It wasn’t me”

Macy Gray: Nonetheless, those are lyrics worth buying the CDs for…

Kluang Man (from the crowd): Oi! Blatant commercializing, sial! Bloody hell, why don’t you just watch RTM 1 on Saturdays, 4 pm?

Shaggy: Shut up, you Malay rip-off of Batman!

Macy Gray: Anyway, here are the nominees for Best Lyrics, the most interesting things that have reached the ears of Suffian Hakim…

Nominee #1

Francis Chan: My kinkiest fantasy? Rape and incest.

Me: What? Oh you sick shit…

Francis: Relax, I don’t have a sister.

Me: So? You’ve got cousins, you’ve got your Mom – you’ve got your Dad.

Nominee #2

My reflection: My God you look so good…

Nominee #3

Caleb, to me: You is para. (whatever that means, gramatically correct or otherwise)

Nominee #4

Amylia: …go play with your angklung lah.

Shaggy: And the winner is….

Macy Gray: Amylia for “Go play with your Angklung lah”!!

Amylia (from the words of the lady herself): Thank you, thank you very much. Um, thanks for believing in me, thanks for appreciating my singing talents, my innate linguistic abilities… And I would like to thank my famliy and friends for loving me.

Samad: We assure you Amy, your linguistic abilities are REALLY innate. We’re talking like, addiction to gay porn in the Pope innate.

Diane: Then you must be very capable linguistically, Amy. Thank you and congratulations.

Samad: Now, our next presenters have dropped bombs, and have had bombs dropped on them.

Diane: No they’re not freestyle rappers, they’re Osama bin Laden and The Ghost of Yasser Arafat!

Kluang Man: Ey, any women want my Osama in their cave?

Osama: Eat this you lousy motherfucker. (gunshots, Kluang Man drops dead like good entertainment on Malaysian TV)

Yasser: Ah, nothing like a few rounds of AK-47 shells into a disruptive member of the public.

Osama: Yes that’s right people, I can speak English and I speak English like the nearly-black man that I am. Y’all crazy yet? Well, here’s something else that might make all of you wet your panties more. I give Yoga classes outside the White House on Saturdays after lunch. Those motherfuckers are looking for me in Afghan caves? Well, I’m just next to their bush.

Yasser: Literally.

Osama: Also, you all might think it’s hair underneath my turban. Well, fuck your mothers, it’s not. They’re extensions I got from Far East Plaza, Singapore. I go there dressed as a poly drop-out named Fiona Xie. Here’s a picture….

See the resemblance?

Osama: I also have Playboy magazines underneath my turban to entertain me when I travel the desolate, rugged Afghan terrain. I would usually polish my AK-47 while I read such enlightening magazines.

Fat Joe: Yeah they sure enlighten… they enlighten your balls, you silly motherfucker!

(gunshots)

Yasser: Hah he will pull up his pants and do the roc-a-way no more, that overweight bastard.

Osama: One last thing. (Raises his jubah) I am not a man.

Yasser: Okay not good. Now, in Suff’s World, we have people who do stupid things, like Osama bin Laden here. We also have discreet perverts, like my man Osama here.

Osama: But Suffian loves perverts. They’re like durians to him. Many people sure don’t like them, but they get Suffian all heaty. Here are the nominees for The You Stupid Pervert! Award, a tribute to Suffian’s favourite perverts.

Nominee #1

Syah Fidzuan for wanking into my cowboy hat

Nominee #2

Nazir, for wanting to kiss me, another guy, too many times

Nominee #3

Halim, for kickstarting our Happy Meal and X-Games Comcept

Nominee #4

Irwan, for his crazy-ass Dangdut obsession

Yasser: And the winner is…

Osama: Syah Fidzuan for wanking into Suff’s cowboy hat – God, you people born on 24th July are disgusting. Maybe I should hijack two planes and crash them on each of you bastards.

Yasser: Syah Fidzuan, ladies and gentlemen….

Syah(speech written by closest next-of-kin to me): Other than Mus Timon, I would like to thank my cousin Aizat who has been a source of inspiration for me due to his charming wit and unique good looks.

Diane: Thank you Syah.

Samad: The next award, The Own Goal Awards uh, awards the most stupid thing people have said that have put them into more stupid situations. You don’t get me? Okay, imagine a cop got you to pull over ‘cos you were speeding. When the policeperson comes over you tell him, “Ey man, it may smell like weed in here but it’s really all that alcohol I was drinking just now.” That’s an own goal – getting yourself buttfucked.

Diane: Here to present the awards are two of the worst female singers around. Give it up everybody for Posh Spice and David Beckham!!

Posh Spice: Hello everybody!

David Beckham: Hi.

Posh Spice: Everybody’s said terrible things in their lives. I told the entire world that my husband wears my underwear.

David Beckham: (giggles) Yeah.

Posh Spice: And Bill Clinton told America he didn’t have an affair with Monica Lewinsky. In Suff’s World, people say stuff like that too. Here are the nominees for the Own Goal Awards…

Nominee #1

Me, to my mom: Ma, I just bought the cheapest condoms around! 2 bucks for 3 at Watson’s! Good thing this sale will last for quite sometime, ‘cos I’ll need to buy more soon… Oh fuck.

Nominee #2

Mus: I’m a walking fashion statement.

Nominee #3

Jamie: Liverpool rocks ah!

Nominee #4

Caleb: I is panties.

Posh Spice: And the award goes to…

David Beckham: (giggles) Mus!

Posh Spice: For “I’m a walking fashion statement.” Good god….

Mus: Thank you thank you. While my own goal was good like my fashion sense, I must say the worst Own Goal ever is this: Saying ‘I love you’ to a popper neigh. Don’t any of you go around saying that. Peace out.

Samad: We’ve done 3 awards now, and it’s time to take a commercial break. Don’t go anywhere, ‘cos The Suff Awards 2004 will be right back.

The Twilight Of My Teenage Years

We interrupt the Suff Awards to bring you this pictorial presentation…

2 years ago, I (the fella with the long-sleeved maroon shirt) attended my first ever Graduation Dinner. I was emcee for that day, and as usual, I’m at my happiest on stage with an audience. I was with fellow Josephians – my favourite people in the entire world next to women, like Pamela Anderson, Cameron Diaz and David Beckham.

Then, I entered CJC…

Where I joined drama and rapped about chicken rice to an entire chicken rice stall filled with customers who just want to enjoy chicken rice… “Animal activists, chill out/ You don’t know what it’s all about/ When you eat chicken, chicken don’t care/ Cos chickens are chickens, they don’t wear no underwear” It was the time of my life, being in soccer, drama, crazily expanding my social network… I didn’t want it to end but Fate somehow holed me up in SAJC…



This is one of a few of my closest group of friends in SAJC. Yes, even the auntie who sells Muslim food (the lady in the tudung) is a homie. She calls herself my mother, and she can sure play the part; the nagging aspect of motherhood at the very least. But I just love that woman…

Then, there’s my class…



United we started, in tatters we were in intermediate, and now we’re on the recovery. I did a lot with my class… I helped people get married…

“You may now kiss the bride.”

… I encouraged fully utilising school facilities, like sleeping next to the canteen…



Then two days ago, it all came to an end as Prom signalled the dying days of my teenage life…

God knows if I’ll ever mature in my head. But I’m no longer a teenager. I’m gonna be a man soon, at least in the eyes of the public. I’m entering a world of regular shaving, adult choices and mature women. Then again, do I want to leave this world of Marijuana-ish Highs and unbridled creativity? No way. Castrate me, hit me over my head with Rick James’ erect penis and I still won’t budge.

Hit me over my head with Whoopi Goldberg’s erect penis and I might just think about it.

These were the best days of my life…